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George Carlin
American
May 12, 1937
Comedian
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Tags:
Dark
Weather
Tonight
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Tags:
Pet
Things
Sweat
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
Tags:
Like
Know
Never
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Tags:
Future
Only
Past
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
Tags:
Just
Out
Could
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
Tags:
Good
You
About
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
Tags:
People
Just
Who
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
Tags:
Family
Had
Going
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
Tags:
Am
I Am
Could
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
Tags:
Where
Too
Need
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
Tags:
Something
He
New
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
Tags:
Alone
Very
Our
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
Tags:
People
Me
About
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Tags:
Time
Work
People
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
Tags:
Time
You
People
